It's been months since I last wrote. Not much has happened. I'm same old. I survived the exams in May and am now still just another office lady rushing through all the hustles and bustles in the city everyday.
After an entire 8 months, I think I'm used to my workplace. Slow, eh? Yea, I am. I always am. It always take me some time before I feel comfortable. I need quite a lot of time to warm up with people. By now, in general, I do get along with people at my workplace.
Yet still, I feel lonely at times when there're clashes of values held by my colleagues. In the realm of commercial world, I've soon realized that the whole set of values people hold are often stunning to me. In so many cases, I've witnessed how justice is made to give way to the interests and benefits of the company. I'm especially baffled when my supervisor as well as the director came up with the desicion to proceed legal action against an intended defendant even though it was not advised at all! I'm really upset 'cause so many times I had no choice but to follow their instructions, which I think was entirely contrary to my own conscience and sense of justice. To make it worse, they all seem to be aware of it but what sort of reaction I could expect from them? Not a word. They simply shrugged it off, thinking that they're in no way free to decide what is a more just decision to make! These people are delibrately biased and they simply choose to turn a blind eye! I don't give it crap but I'm not happy 'cause I have to be part of this injustice by exercising/ enforcing what I think is unjust!
I don't know how far I can go. For sure it's not a place where I could stay long. It's only a matter of time before I leave...
Friday, June 20, 2008
Sunday, April 06, 2008
I knew that I couldn't possibly carry on with my studying without writing off my chest of how much I feel frustrated whilst among this group of people. Contrary to what I thought in the first place, this group of people has never been my peers, let alone a "spiritual community" of any kind. As I reflected on those couple of episodes of meeting among us, today I came to realize that I've never been part of their group, nor been considered to be a part of it. At this point, I feel I had been so naive when I got so excited about touring around university campuses of us, taking graduation pictures; or when I was trying to initiate any social activities. So many times when I was among them, I often felt there's a glass wall between me and them. Conversations often broke off due to what they called "men's talk". I don't get it. If there's ever such thing, does it mean that I'm forever blocked from being a friend to them? Or am I "entitled" to be their friends at all?
Maybe not. When I was with them, at dinner table or at whatever occasions after prayers, I got a feeling that there's a sense of brotherhood among them- something that I can never share with them, nor will they ever allow me to. This brotherhood, in one way, generates a kind of rapport between them; yet in another, seem to be rejecting me from getting to know them altogehter. Outside the realm of brotherhood, there seems to be little that they would consider befriending anyone at all. So... am I being silly in considering that we're in a community? I feel I'm not being welcome. Ignored largely. So what's my place among them? Have they ever considered me part of their ingroup? This is frustrating ... so many times I've tried to rattle, hoping that I would be given attention, or listened to at least. But now it looks like my effort is in vain. And I don't wanna carry on. This is really the end of it. If it looks like they're not gonna treat me as part of them, I should simply back away. It doesn't worth it to bend myself toward an end that I don't feel comfortable with. Being in a particular way isn't "me" at all. And I'm fed up with it. So today, I've decided to quit.
From now on I'm gonna be nothing but ME. Just me.
Maybe not. When I was with them, at dinner table or at whatever occasions after prayers, I got a feeling that there's a sense of brotherhood among them- something that I can never share with them, nor will they ever allow me to. This brotherhood, in one way, generates a kind of rapport between them; yet in another, seem to be rejecting me from getting to know them altogehter. Outside the realm of brotherhood, there seems to be little that they would consider befriending anyone at all. So... am I being silly in considering that we're in a community? I feel I'm not being welcome. Ignored largely. So what's my place among them? Have they ever considered me part of their ingroup? This is frustrating ... so many times I've tried to rattle, hoping that I would be given attention, or listened to at least. But now it looks like my effort is in vain. And I don't wanna carry on. This is really the end of it. If it looks like they're not gonna treat me as part of them, I should simply back away. It doesn't worth it to bend myself toward an end that I don't feel comfortable with. Being in a particular way isn't "me" at all. And I'm fed up with it. So today, I've decided to quit.
From now on I'm gonna be nothing but ME. Just me.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Currently reading:
Istanbul: memories and the city
-Orhan Pamuk
*****
My appetite was half gone by the time I finished reading the High Court judgment on an appeal case of murder- the shocking "Hello Kitty" doll murder* some years ago. Despite the gravity of the offense committed, I guess I wasnt at an age that I would pay much attention to current affairs than showbiz gossips. So this morning as I came to know the details of the case, the process of the entire offense was completely disturbing. Not only was the acts and behaviors of the defendents callous, brutal, and inhumane, but what they've done also indicates that they had little empathy of the pain they inflicted on the body of another human being. I could hardly accept Defendents' pledging of being young or in violent trait. I have zero tolerance of torture of this kind and any human being should have no right to put another human being in such an indignity.
I don't know why I had such a strong opinion on that. What I'm convinced, though, is that a basic respect to another human being should be upheld in whatever circumstances. Nothing should make us give way to it.
Further reading:
* Trio sentenced to life in jail for gruesome killing in H.K
Asian Economic News
HONG KONG, Dec. 6 2000 Kyodo
Three men were sentenced to life imprisonment by a Hong Kong court Wednesday for abducting and torturing a nightclub hostess to death, cutting up her body and stuffing her skull into a Hello Kitty doll.
The trio was convicted of manslaughter and unlawful imprisonment by a jury of the Court of First Instance last month after a six-week trial, which revealed one of the most gruesome cases in the territory.
Before sentencing Wednesday, Justice Peter Nguyen said that never had a Hong Kong court heard evidence of such ''cruelty, brutality, depravity, callousness, violence and viciousness'' committed by ''a human being on another human being.''
The court was told Chan Man-lok, 34, Leung Shing-cho, 27, and Leung Wai-lun, 21, kidnapped Fan Man-yee, 23, in March last year and tortured her for a month in a flat in Tsim Sha Tsui, a shopping district in Hong Kong, over a debt dispute.
Fan was beaten and tortured daily by the three, who are all triad members, the court heard.
After the woman's death, the gang was said to have spent hours dismembering and then boiling down her body.
They hid her skull in a giant-sized Hello Kitty mermaid doll and discarded most other body parts.
Only the woman's skull, one tooth and some internal organs have been recovered and the exact cause of her death has not been established, the court heard.
The killing was exposed after the 14-year-old girlfriend of one of three men reported the case to police in May last year. She said her dreams were haunted by Fan's ghost.
Istanbul: memories and the city
-Orhan Pamuk
*****
My appetite was half gone by the time I finished reading the High Court judgment on an appeal case of murder- the shocking "Hello Kitty" doll murder* some years ago. Despite the gravity of the offense committed, I guess I wasnt at an age that I would pay much attention to current affairs than showbiz gossips. So this morning as I came to know the details of the case, the process of the entire offense was completely disturbing. Not only was the acts and behaviors of the defendents callous, brutal, and inhumane, but what they've done also indicates that they had little empathy of the pain they inflicted on the body of another human being. I could hardly accept Defendents' pledging of being young or in violent trait. I have zero tolerance of torture of this kind and any human being should have no right to put another human being in such an indignity.
I don't know why I had such a strong opinion on that. What I'm convinced, though, is that a basic respect to another human being should be upheld in whatever circumstances. Nothing should make us give way to it.
Further reading:
* Trio sentenced to life in jail for gruesome killing in H.K
Asian Economic News
HONG KONG, Dec. 6 2000 Kyodo
Three men were sentenced to life imprisonment by a Hong Kong court Wednesday for abducting and torturing a nightclub hostess to death, cutting up her body and stuffing her skull into a Hello Kitty doll.
The trio was convicted of manslaughter and unlawful imprisonment by a jury of the Court of First Instance last month after a six-week trial, which revealed one of the most gruesome cases in the territory.
Before sentencing Wednesday, Justice Peter Nguyen said that never had a Hong Kong court heard evidence of such ''cruelty, brutality, depravity, callousness, violence and viciousness'' committed by ''a human being on another human being.''
The court was told Chan Man-lok, 34, Leung Shing-cho, 27, and Leung Wai-lun, 21, kidnapped Fan Man-yee, 23, in March last year and tortured her for a month in a flat in Tsim Sha Tsui, a shopping district in Hong Kong, over a debt dispute.
Fan was beaten and tortured daily by the three, who are all triad members, the court heard.
After the woman's death, the gang was said to have spent hours dismembering and then boiling down her body.
They hid her skull in a giant-sized Hello Kitty mermaid doll and discarded most other body parts.
Only the woman's skull, one tooth and some internal organs have been recovered and the exact cause of her death has not been established, the court heard.
The killing was exposed after the 14-year-old girlfriend of one of three men reported the case to police in May last year. She said her dreams were haunted by Fan's ghost.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Currently Reading:
The World is Flat: The Globalized World in the Twenty-first Century
- Thomas L. Friedman
*****
Standing right next to a couple of young girls on the subway the other day, what they talked about and the way they did it soon made me realize my difference when compared with these girls around my age- they're probably in their first years in college and me- am not even a college student- not any more. In a spilt second my mind traveled back to how it was like in my first year and soon I found it intriguing to know that they're now too vague for me to recall.
.....
Yea I know, it's only 3 years ago. Yet I found it increasingly hard to recall those details like what I did exactly, what I was thinking etc; instead, what i do remember is some distant fragments of some long lost memories, glossed by a think layer of fog.
The World is Flat: The Globalized World in the Twenty-first Century
- Thomas L. Friedman
*****
Standing right next to a couple of young girls on the subway the other day, what they talked about and the way they did it soon made me realize my difference when compared with these girls around my age- they're probably in their first years in college and me- am not even a college student- not any more. In a spilt second my mind traveled back to how it was like in my first year and soon I found it intriguing to know that they're now too vague for me to recall.
.....
Yea I know, it's only 3 years ago. Yet I found it increasingly hard to recall those details like what I did exactly, what I was thinking etc; instead, what i do remember is some distant fragments of some long lost memories, glossed by a think layer of fog.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
From the reactions of others, I knew I was just being stupid. Sometimes silence is a better strategy. I've asked too much. I've spoken too much. I'm beginning to sense that there're some unspoken rules on sth that I'm not supposed to discuss.
...
Time to hold my tongue, zip my mouth and focus solely on my work.
...
Time to hold my tongue, zip my mouth and focus solely on my work.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Andra and Lulia
Tuesday afternoon. Having arrived at the Admiralty learning center a bit earlier, I strolled along the corridor that I usually wont go and I came to find the computer room. So I checked the email. The first one is from Anju. Unlike the length of her usual email, it contained only a few lines. But I was immediately struck by it. Few minutes passed before I regained my attention and checked another email from Katharina. The subject line is in German, which I obviously wouldnt understand. Strange I thought.
"... I know this is a sad reason that I'm writing you, but ... Andra and Julia were killed in a car accident with their parents on Thursday on their way back home. A fuel lorry hit the car and burned inside... "
Silence. My eyes gazed at the screen for god knows how long before someone at the back poked me and asked if he could use the computer as he had been in line. By then my eyes were welled up and before the first drop of tears dripped out I was already dashing off to the washroom.
My mind was entirely blank and I was incapable of figuring out what had happened at all. At the same time, I felt an inarticulate feeling intruding through my body. I started to feel the necessity to have deep breath. Intentionally. As if my entire body was working up to its full load and needed extra amount of oxygen. Sobbing.
That gut feeling clearly tells how much I found the news unacceptable. I first met Andra and Lulia two years ago, when I was staying in Taize as a permanent for the first time. When I went back last summer, we both were surprised to see each other again. The same way we did in Zagreb last year. One late afternoon this summer, as I was going for a walk with Marina, I saw the sisters dragging their suitcases right outside the store to their dorm, we were approaching each other with open arms. preparing to give big hugs to each other.
"Welcome back!" I said with giggles.
"Yea... it always feels good to be back, " Lulia smiled back.
I had absolutely no idea why I said so then. But looking back, I came to see that at some points of our encounters, they have become what I call my "Life in Taize" memory. Andra & Lulia and Taize. Taize and Andra & Lulia. Yes, it just feels natural to associate them to my life in Taize. They are the very core part of those people i meet there. Another thing is, strange that it may sound, we have never waved off each other when I left Taize. Not a single time. But the fact that we met again and again somehow made me to be assured that we would meet. I know there's nobody who guranteed that and I cant be so sure about that even with my best friends. But with the sisters, I got this feeling of "We'll always have each other as long as we're attached to the Taize network" - which comes from nowhere. And now the loss just struck me in a way that I've never been prepared to accept this fact that I wont see them again in my lifetime.
Whilst in Taize, they were always so open to share themselves with others. I'm really happy that this summer I came to know Andra a bit more, which i havent put any effort in doing in the past... Not until that evening, following a cry of joy by a girl for Brother Timothy's life committment. Me and Annemaire were sitting on the right hand side of the reserve area, which was more or less the same spot where i was two years ago. Andra was sitting a few rows behind. Immediately after the cry, those flashbacks of the tragedy popped up in my mind again, with the feeling of fear and confusion engulfing me. Which I thought explained why Andra went out of the church shortly after. Then gone Annemarie. I tried to stay in the church as long as I could, but eventually gave way to the overwhelming fear. I couldnt put up with this paralyzing feeling. i thought. The longer I stay in the church, the more I think about what happend two years ago.
During the silence, I went out of the church alone. I didn't want to stay too far from the church 'cause i wanted to listen to the songs. So I ended up sitting at the door right outside the church. With my back facing barrack 15, my mind wandered and drifted in and out of different memories. That was interrupted by a gentle touch on my back. I looked back. It was Annemarie and Andra. Without saying a word, they gave me hugs. Then said, "We were thinking of you. Are you alright?"
"You need sth to drink?"
I shook my head. They sat side by side with me and together we started starting about how it felt like then. We've even made up the story that we were madly in love with Brother Timothy that we cried so hard for his life committment to the community.
"But see- you know who were here two years ago..." said Andra.
I nodded.
True. This is sth I've never realized. This is perhaps the common thing that connects us but I've never fully recognized it until that particular point. And so thats how I started to talk to her more- in the common room, in the laundry, along the sideway of barracks ... anywhere! Our conversations reached topoics that we've never touched on. Surprise to me. She's way more sophisticated than i thought she was and i came to see why this openness of her character has earned her so much friendship. Yes, I grew to appreciate her more than ever.
I'm sad for this loss- in a way I've lost a girl who I've just begun to know and like. The news was just so sudden ... I'm spilling what's in my head into words because I'm convinced that what I'm experiencing is more powerful than I can handle, more profound than I can understand, and more sudden than i can ever prepare.
Tuesday afternoon. Having arrived at the Admiralty learning center a bit earlier, I strolled along the corridor that I usually wont go and I came to find the computer room. So I checked the email. The first one is from Anju. Unlike the length of her usual email, it contained only a few lines. But I was immediately struck by it. Few minutes passed before I regained my attention and checked another email from Katharina. The subject line is in German, which I obviously wouldnt understand. Strange I thought.
"... I know this is a sad reason that I'm writing you, but ... Andra and Julia were killed in a car accident with their parents on Thursday on their way back home. A fuel lorry hit the car and burned inside... "
Silence. My eyes gazed at the screen for god knows how long before someone at the back poked me and asked if he could use the computer as he had been in line. By then my eyes were welled up and before the first drop of tears dripped out I was already dashing off to the washroom.
My mind was entirely blank and I was incapable of figuring out what had happened at all. At the same time, I felt an inarticulate feeling intruding through my body. I started to feel the necessity to have deep breath. Intentionally. As if my entire body was working up to its full load and needed extra amount of oxygen. Sobbing.
That gut feeling clearly tells how much I found the news unacceptable. I first met Andra and Lulia two years ago, when I was staying in Taize as a permanent for the first time. When I went back last summer, we both were surprised to see each other again. The same way we did in Zagreb last year. One late afternoon this summer, as I was going for a walk with Marina, I saw the sisters dragging their suitcases right outside the store to their dorm, we were approaching each other with open arms. preparing to give big hugs to each other.
"Welcome back!" I said with giggles.
"Yea... it always feels good to be back, " Lulia smiled back.
I had absolutely no idea why I said so then. But looking back, I came to see that at some points of our encounters, they have become what I call my "Life in Taize" memory. Andra & Lulia and Taize. Taize and Andra & Lulia. Yes, it just feels natural to associate them to my life in Taize. They are the very core part of those people i meet there. Another thing is, strange that it may sound, we have never waved off each other when I left Taize. Not a single time. But the fact that we met again and again somehow made me to be assured that we would meet. I know there's nobody who guranteed that and I cant be so sure about that even with my best friends. But with the sisters, I got this feeling of "We'll always have each other as long as we're attached to the Taize network" - which comes from nowhere. And now the loss just struck me in a way that I've never been prepared to accept this fact that I wont see them again in my lifetime.
Whilst in Taize, they were always so open to share themselves with others. I'm really happy that this summer I came to know Andra a bit more, which i havent put any effort in doing in the past... Not until that evening, following a cry of joy by a girl for Brother Timothy's life committment. Me and Annemaire were sitting on the right hand side of the reserve area, which was more or less the same spot where i was two years ago. Andra was sitting a few rows behind. Immediately after the cry, those flashbacks of the tragedy popped up in my mind again, with the feeling of fear and confusion engulfing me. Which I thought explained why Andra went out of the church shortly after. Then gone Annemarie. I tried to stay in the church as long as I could, but eventually gave way to the overwhelming fear. I couldnt put up with this paralyzing feeling. i thought. The longer I stay in the church, the more I think about what happend two years ago.
During the silence, I went out of the church alone. I didn't want to stay too far from the church 'cause i wanted to listen to the songs. So I ended up sitting at the door right outside the church. With my back facing barrack 15, my mind wandered and drifted in and out of different memories. That was interrupted by a gentle touch on my back. I looked back. It was Annemarie and Andra. Without saying a word, they gave me hugs. Then said, "We were thinking of you. Are you alright?"
"You need sth to drink?"
I shook my head. They sat side by side with me and together we started starting about how it felt like then. We've even made up the story that we were madly in love with Brother Timothy that we cried so hard for his life committment to the community.
"But see- you know who were here two years ago..." said Andra.
I nodded.
True. This is sth I've never realized. This is perhaps the common thing that connects us but I've never fully recognized it until that particular point. And so thats how I started to talk to her more- in the common room, in the laundry, along the sideway of barracks ... anywhere! Our conversations reached topoics that we've never touched on. Surprise to me. She's way more sophisticated than i thought she was and i came to see why this openness of her character has earned her so much friendship. Yes, I grew to appreciate her more than ever.
I'm sad for this loss- in a way I've lost a girl who I've just begun to know and like. The news was just so sudden ... I'm spilling what's in my head into words because I'm convinced that what I'm experiencing is more powerful than I can handle, more profound than I can understand, and more sudden than i can ever prepare.
