It's been months since I last wrote. Not much has happened. I'm same old. I survived the exams in May and am now still just another office lady rushing through all the hustles and bustles in the city everyday.

After an entire 8 months, I think I'm used to my workplace. Slow, eh? Yea, I am. I always am. It always take me some time before I feel comfortable. I need quite a lot of time to warm up with people. By now, in general, I do get along with people at my workplace.

Yet still, I feel lonely at times when there're clashes of values held by my colleagues. In the realm of commercial world, I've soon realized that the whole set of values people hold are often stunning to me. In so many cases, I've witnessed how justice is made to give way to the interests and benefits of the company. I'm especially baffled when my supervisor as well as the director came up with the desicion to proceed legal action against an intended defendant even though it was not advised at all! I'm really upset 'cause so many times I had no choice but to follow their instructions, which I think was entirely contrary to my own conscience and sense of justice. To make it worse, they all seem to be aware of it but what sort of reaction I could expect from them? Not a word. They simply shrugged it off, thinking that they're in no way free to decide what is a more just decision to make! These people are delibrately biased and they simply choose to turn a blind eye! I don't give it crap but I'm not happy 'cause I have to be part of this injustice by exercising/ enforcing what I think is unjust!

I don't know how far I can go. For sure it's not a place where I could stay long. It's only a matter of time before I leave...

I knew that I couldn't possibly carry on with my studying without writing off my chest of how much I feel frustrated whilst among this group of people. Contrary to what I thought in the first place, this group of people has never been my peers, let alone a "spiritual community" of any kind. As I reflected on those couple of episodes of meeting among us, today I came to realize that I've never been part of their group, nor been considered to be a part of it. At this point, I feel I had been so naive when I got so excited about touring around university campuses of us, taking graduation pictures; or when I was trying to initiate any social activities. So many times when I was among them, I often felt there's a glass wall between me and them. Conversations often broke off due to what they called "men's talk". I don't get it. If there's ever such thing, does it mean that I'm forever blocked from being a friend to them? Or am I "entitled" to be their friends at all?

Maybe not. When I was with them, at dinner table or at whatever occasions after prayers, I got a feeling that there's a sense of brotherhood among them- something that I can never share with them, nor will they ever allow me to. This brotherhood, in one way, generates a kind of rapport between them; yet in another, seem to be rejecting me from getting to know them altogehter. Outside the realm of brotherhood, there seems to be little that they would consider befriending anyone at all. So... am I being silly in considering that we're in a community? I feel I'm not being welcome. Ignored largely. So what's my place among them? Have they ever considered me part of their ingroup? This is frustrating ... so many times I've tried to rattle, hoping that I would be given attention, or listened to at least. But now it looks like my effort is in vain. And I don't wanna carry on. This is really the end of it. If it looks like they're not gonna treat me as part of them, I should simply back away. It doesn't worth it to bend myself toward an end that I don't feel comfortable with. Being in a particular way isn't "me" at all. And I'm fed up with it. So today, I've decided to quit.

From now on I'm gonna be nothing but ME. Just me.