I knew that I couldn't possibly carry on with my studying without writing off my chest of how much I feel frustrated whilst among this group of people. Contrary to what I thought in the first place, this group of people has never been my peers, let alone a "spiritual community" of any kind. As I reflected on those couple of episodes of meeting among us, today I came to realize that I've never been part of their group, nor been considered to be a part of it. At this point, I feel I had been so naive when I got so excited about touring around university campuses of us, taking graduation pictures; or when I was trying to initiate any social activities. So many times when I was among them, I often felt there's a glass wall between me and them. Conversations often broke off due to what they called "men's talk". I don't get it. If there's ever such thing, does it mean that I'm forever blocked from being a friend to them? Or am I "entitled" to be their friends at all?

Maybe not. When I was with them, at dinner table or at whatever occasions after prayers, I got a feeling that there's a sense of brotherhood among them- something that I can never share with them, nor will they ever allow me to. This brotherhood, in one way, generates a kind of rapport between them; yet in another, seem to be rejecting me from getting to know them altogehter. Outside the realm of brotherhood, there seems to be little that they would consider befriending anyone at all. So... am I being silly in considering that we're in a community? I feel I'm not being welcome. Ignored largely. So what's my place among them? Have they ever considered me part of their ingroup? This is frustrating ... so many times I've tried to rattle, hoping that I would be given attention, or listened to at least. But now it looks like my effort is in vain. And I don't wanna carry on. This is really the end of it. If it looks like they're not gonna treat me as part of them, I should simply back away. It doesn't worth it to bend myself toward an end that I don't feel comfortable with. Being in a particular way isn't "me" at all. And I'm fed up with it. So today, I've decided to quit.

From now on I'm gonna be nothing but ME. Just me.