Currently reading:

Istanbul: memories and the city

-Orhan Pamuk

*****

My appetite was half gone by the time I finished reading the High Court judgment on an appeal case of murder- the shocking "Hello Kitty" doll murder* some years ago. Despite the gravity of the offense committed, I guess I wasnt at an age that I would pay much attention to current affairs than showbiz gossips. So this morning as I came to know the details of the case, the process of the entire offense was completely disturbing. Not only was the acts and behaviors of the defendents callous, brutal, and inhumane, but what they've done also indicates that they had little empathy of the pain they inflicted on the body of another human being. I could hardly accept Defendents' pledging of being young or in violent trait. I have zero tolerance of torture of this kind and any human being should have no right to put another human being in such an indignity.

I don't know why I had such a strong opinion on that. What I'm convinced, though, is that a basic respect to another human being should be upheld in whatever circumstances. Nothing should make us give way to it.

Further reading:

* Trio sentenced to life in jail for gruesome killing in H.K
Asian Economic News
HONG KONG, Dec. 6 2000 Kyodo

Three men were sentenced to life imprisonment by a Hong Kong court Wednesday for abducting and torturing a nightclub hostess to death, cutting up her body and stuffing her skull into a Hello Kitty doll.

The trio was convicted of manslaughter and unlawful imprisonment by a jury of the Court of First Instance last month after a six-week trial, which revealed one of the most gruesome cases in the territory.

Before sentencing Wednesday, Justice Peter Nguyen said that never had a Hong Kong court heard evidence of such ''cruelty, brutality, depravity, callousness, violence and viciousness'' committed by ''a human being on another human being.''

The court was told Chan Man-lok, 34, Leung Shing-cho, 27, and Leung Wai-lun, 21, kidnapped Fan Man-yee, 23, in March last year and tortured her for a month in a flat in Tsim Sha Tsui, a shopping district in Hong Kong, over a debt dispute.

Fan was beaten and tortured daily by the three, who are all triad members, the court heard.
After the woman's death, the gang was said to have spent hours dismembering and then boiling down her body.

They hid her skull in a giant-sized Hello Kitty mermaid doll and discarded most other body parts.

Only the woman's skull, one tooth and some internal organs have been recovered and the exact cause of her death has not been established, the court heard.

The killing was exposed after the 14-year-old girlfriend of one of three men reported the case to police in May last year. She said her dreams were haunted by Fan's ghost.

Currently Reading:



The World is Flat: The Globalized World in the Twenty-first Century

- Thomas L. Friedman



*****



Standing right next to a couple of young girls on the subway the other day, what they talked about and the way they did it soon made me realize my difference when compared with these girls around my age- they're probably in their first years in college and me- am not even a college student- not any more. In a spilt second my mind traveled back to how it was like in my first year and soon I found it intriguing to know that they're now too vague for me to recall.

.....

Yea I know, it's only 3 years ago. Yet I found it increasingly hard to recall those details like what I did exactly, what I was thinking etc; instead, what i do remember is some distant fragments of some long lost memories, glossed by a think layer of fog.

From the reactions of others, I knew I was just being stupid. Sometimes silence is a better strategy. I've asked too much. I've spoken too much. I'm beginning to sense that there're some unspoken rules on sth that I'm not supposed to discuss.

...

Time to hold my tongue, zip my mouth and focus solely on my work.

Currently reading:

The Lost Continent- Travels in small towns America
- Bill Bryson

Currently reading:

Norwegian Wood
- Haruki Murakami

Andra and Lulia

Tuesday afternoon. Having arrived at the Admiralty learning center a bit earlier, I strolled along the corridor that I usually wont go and I came to find the computer room. So I checked the email. The first one is from Anju. Unlike the length of her usual email, it contained only a few lines. But I was immediately struck by it. Few minutes passed before I regained my attention and checked another email from Katharina. The subject line is in German, which I obviously wouldnt understand. Strange I thought.

"... I know this is a sad reason that I'm writing you, but ... Andra and Julia were killed in a car accident with their parents on Thursday on their way back home. A fuel lorry hit the car and burned inside... "

Silence. My eyes gazed at the screen for god knows how long before someone at the back poked me and asked if he could use the computer as he had been in line. By then my eyes were welled up and before the first drop of tears dripped out I was already dashing off to the washroom.

My mind was entirely blank and I was incapable of figuring out what had happened at all. At the same time, I felt an inarticulate feeling intruding through my body. I started to feel the necessity to have deep breath. Intentionally. As if my entire body was working up to its full load and needed extra amount of oxygen. Sobbing.

That gut feeling clearly tells how much I found the news unacceptable. I first met Andra and Lulia two years ago, when I was staying in Taize as a permanent for the first time. When I went back last summer, we both were surprised to see each other again. The same way we did in Zagreb last year. One late afternoon this summer, as I was going for a walk with Marina, I saw the sisters dragging their suitcases right outside the store to their dorm, we were approaching each other with open arms. preparing to give big hugs to each other.

"Welcome back!" I said with giggles.

"Yea... it always feels good to be back, " Lulia smiled back.

I had absolutely no idea why I said so then. But looking back, I came to see that at some points of our encounters, they have become what I call my "Life in Taize" memory. Andra & Lulia and Taize. Taize and Andra & Lulia. Yes, it just feels natural to associate them to my life in Taize. They are the very core part of those people i meet there. Another thing is, strange that it may sound, we have never waved off each other when I left Taize. Not a single time. But the fact that we met again and again somehow made me to be assured that we would meet. I know there's nobody who guranteed that and I cant be so sure about that even with my best friends. But with the sisters, I got this feeling of "We'll always have each other as long as we're attached to the Taize network" - which comes from nowhere. And now the loss just struck me in a way that I've never been prepared to accept this fact that I wont see them again in my lifetime.

Whilst in Taize, they were always so open to share themselves with others. I'm really happy that this summer I came to know Andra a bit more, which i havent put any effort in doing in the past... Not until that evening, following a cry of joy by a girl for Brother Timothy's life committment. Me and Annemaire were sitting on the right hand side of the reserve area, which was more or less the same spot where i was two years ago. Andra was sitting a few rows behind. Immediately after the cry, those flashbacks of the tragedy popped up in my mind again, with the feeling of fear and confusion engulfing me. Which I thought explained why Andra went out of the church shortly after. Then gone Annemarie. I tried to stay in the church as long as I could, but eventually gave way to the overwhelming fear. I couldnt put up with this paralyzing feeling. i thought. The longer I stay in the church, the more I think about what happend two years ago.

During the silence, I went out of the church alone. I didn't want to stay too far from the church 'cause i wanted to listen to the songs. So I ended up sitting at the door right outside the church. With my back facing barrack 15, my mind wandered and drifted in and out of different memories. That was interrupted by a gentle touch on my back. I looked back. It was Annemarie and Andra. Without saying a word, they gave me hugs. Then said, "We were thinking of you. Are you alright?"

"You need sth to drink?"

I shook my head. They sat side by side with me and together we started starting about how it felt like then. We've even made up the story that we were madly in love with Brother Timothy that we cried so hard for his life committment to the community.

"But see- you know who were here two years ago..." said Andra.

I nodded.

True. This is sth I've never realized. This is perhaps the common thing that connects us but I've never fully recognized it until that particular point. And so thats how I started to talk to her more- in the common room, in the laundry, along the sideway of barracks ... anywhere! Our conversations reached topoics that we've never touched on. Surprise to me. She's way more sophisticated than i thought she was and i came to see why this openness of her character has earned her so much friendship. Yes, I grew to appreciate her more than ever.

I'm sad for this loss- in a way I've lost a girl who I've just begun to know and like. The news was just so sudden ... I'm spilling what's in my head into words because I'm convinced that what I'm experiencing is more powerful than I can handle, more profound than I can understand, and more sudden than i can ever prepare.

Another week has passed. Not much progress has been made in my job-hunting. I went to several job interviews as scheduled and was told to wait for the results upon finishing those written tests, as usual. Contrary to my feeling last week, I feel a bit more confident this week. I've come to accept the long and seemingly endless procedures of recruitment. Simply saying that I'm not competent enough when I heard nothing after weeks is just unfair. More importantly, doubting myself only pulls me down but not helps me out.

After all, I'm just jobless for the moment, not hopeless! ;)

***
Although I've been warned by a number of people, it wasnt until these days did I come to admit that part-time learning requires a great deal of disciplines. Long prided myself to be a task-oriented, focused, and highly disciplent student, I now have to admit -- I'm no better than anyone else engaged in part-time learning!!!! This mode of learning gets me excited in the first place 'cause the intensive lectures have pulled me to the subject matter even closer as I had to catch up with the teaching progress daily. Yet now as I'm done with the first subject, I've found myself left with a 400+ -paged coursebook, over 300 cases, and piles of untidied lecture notes!!! That really sends my adrenlin level to a rocket high!!! I've been trying to clear off a bit of my reading but this task often gives way to numberous scheduled job interviews and trivial matters... To make it worse, I become one pathetic victim of procrastination!! Which explains why I'm still blogging here...

Three weeks already. Three weeks after I came back, I'm still job-hunting. I can't believe the process of job-hunting is so painfully long and boring. Very often I sent out my resume, waited for a phone call for invitation to interview, met the HR Manager, did several aptitude tests, but then was told to go home and wait for the result. Ugh.

The entire process is just long and frustrating. At some points I even doubted if I'm adeqautely equipped to face the "real world". I got a feeling that my knowledge and skills are not helpful (if not useless) for me to get a job in this highly commericalized society. I'm just tired of this.

But for better or for worse, I gotta get going. I can't give up ... after all, opportunities are everywhere- when I'm ready to take it. Wish me luck. ;)

*****

It wasnt until lately did I realize I'm stepping into another stage of life- the stage when one's aging parents become illness striken. Just last week I learned that family members of two of my friends have passed out. Despite having undergone the same kind of loss not long ago myself, the news left me speechless. Again I was caught up in the grief and reminiscence of my own family history, which has a lingering influence on how I see myself in relation to the family. Honestly I didnt know what I could say, nor what I could do for them. I guess when it comes to life and death, we lose our words. The feelings deep down is way more profound than what we think we comprehend.

Currently reading:

Life of Pi
- Yann Martel

Currently reading:

Angela's Ashes
- Frank McCourt

On any given day, you'll find me ducking my head into newspapers, reading books borrowed from the local library, checking off items from my things-to-do list, or simply, sitting and daydreaming.

But these are long gone now!

Looking at the calendar a couple days ago, I realized it's only a week or so building up to the day of my departure. All of a sudden, I got so much to do!

Going back to Taizé is definitely like taking a break for me. I've been longing for the return like crazy. But anything that comes before that is not without sweat. At the moment of speaking, I got credit card bills to pay, pay-checks to be cleared, laundry to do, courses to enrol, some last-minute shopping to do. Just last night a Hong Kong guy who is in Taizé now asked me to buy him a pair of flipflops 'cause his are already worn out! god... i dont wanna be their supplier...

Having spent two fruitless hours on a couple of job search websites, I've decided to give up the hope to secure a job before going back to Taizé. I'll be out of town in like a week anyway, so why waste the effort?

Speak of the interview this morning, I think I did fairly well. Well-versed. Confident. Quite unexpectedly, I was able to deliver some of my pitched speeches fluently. In the 20-minute-or-so interview, we talked about things ranging from my college life, group projects, what I've done since I graduated, to my opinion on working in mainland China. Upon hearing my responses, the HR Manager often returned with a contented smile. The atmosphere was pretty laid-back until I told her my plan to volunteer in a community in France and wouldn't be back until August. All of a sudden, the muscles on her face tightened, her smiles replaced by a series of smirks, with occasional serious looks...

'Oh, I see... we'd like to wrap up the interview process as soon as possible, so if you're away and can't make it for the second round interview, we'll save up your application information for futute recruitment,' she said.

Damn. Perhaps I should have zipped my mouth about the plan this summer... I smiled back somewhat uneasily.

When I walked back to the waiting room to inform the HR assistant that the interview was over, I was greeted by him with a see-you-next-week. I returned with a nod, knowing that my application profile would go straight to the 'unsuccessful candidites' database.

When am I gonna land my first real job???

I'm back after more than a year. Opening another blog over a year ago was for the sake of convenience. At that time, not a single college friend of mine used blogspot. So later I signed up the one that they were using just for leaving comments but eventually I moved all over there.

A year has passed. As I was reading all those entries, it surprised me that very often, I wasn't writing what I think, or feel, but sth more, or less, than what I think and feel. Perhaps knowing that somebody I know is reading my blog makes me think twice before writing. And for me, thinking twice means trying to fabricate stories to entertain, to appease, or to portray myself in a better light.

I don't like it when I can't be myself even at what I thought to be the least scrutinized place. There is enough hypocriscy surrounding me and the world doesn't need me to expand on it. I'd try to be honest to myself from now on, at least here at my own blog. :)

Welcome back to my blog!