Andra and Lulia

Tuesday afternoon. Having arrived at the Admiralty learning center a bit earlier, I strolled along the corridor that I usually wont go and I came to find the computer room. So I checked the email. The first one is from Anju. Unlike the length of her usual email, it contained only a few lines. But I was immediately struck by it. Few minutes passed before I regained my attention and checked another email from Katharina. The subject line is in German, which I obviously wouldnt understand. Strange I thought.

"... I know this is a sad reason that I'm writing you, but ... Andra and Julia were killed in a car accident with their parents on Thursday on their way back home. A fuel lorry hit the car and burned inside... "

Silence. My eyes gazed at the screen for god knows how long before someone at the back poked me and asked if he could use the computer as he had been in line. By then my eyes were welled up and before the first drop of tears dripped out I was already dashing off to the washroom.

My mind was entirely blank and I was incapable of figuring out what had happened at all. At the same time, I felt an inarticulate feeling intruding through my body. I started to feel the necessity to have deep breath. Intentionally. As if my entire body was working up to its full load and needed extra amount of oxygen. Sobbing.

That gut feeling clearly tells how much I found the news unacceptable. I first met Andra and Lulia two years ago, when I was staying in Taize as a permanent for the first time. When I went back last summer, we both were surprised to see each other again. The same way we did in Zagreb last year. One late afternoon this summer, as I was going for a walk with Marina, I saw the sisters dragging their suitcases right outside the store to their dorm, we were approaching each other with open arms. preparing to give big hugs to each other.

"Welcome back!" I said with giggles.

"Yea... it always feels good to be back, " Lulia smiled back.

I had absolutely no idea why I said so then. But looking back, I came to see that at some points of our encounters, they have become what I call my "Life in Taize" memory. Andra & Lulia and Taize. Taize and Andra & Lulia. Yes, it just feels natural to associate them to my life in Taize. They are the very core part of those people i meet there. Another thing is, strange that it may sound, we have never waved off each other when I left Taize. Not a single time. But the fact that we met again and again somehow made me to be assured that we would meet. I know there's nobody who guranteed that and I cant be so sure about that even with my best friends. But with the sisters, I got this feeling of "We'll always have each other as long as we're attached to the Taize network" - which comes from nowhere. And now the loss just struck me in a way that I've never been prepared to accept this fact that I wont see them again in my lifetime.

Whilst in Taize, they were always so open to share themselves with others. I'm really happy that this summer I came to know Andra a bit more, which i havent put any effort in doing in the past... Not until that evening, following a cry of joy by a girl for Brother Timothy's life committment. Me and Annemaire were sitting on the right hand side of the reserve area, which was more or less the same spot where i was two years ago. Andra was sitting a few rows behind. Immediately after the cry, those flashbacks of the tragedy popped up in my mind again, with the feeling of fear and confusion engulfing me. Which I thought explained why Andra went out of the church shortly after. Then gone Annemarie. I tried to stay in the church as long as I could, but eventually gave way to the overwhelming fear. I couldnt put up with this paralyzing feeling. i thought. The longer I stay in the church, the more I think about what happend two years ago.

During the silence, I went out of the church alone. I didn't want to stay too far from the church 'cause i wanted to listen to the songs. So I ended up sitting at the door right outside the church. With my back facing barrack 15, my mind wandered and drifted in and out of different memories. That was interrupted by a gentle touch on my back. I looked back. It was Annemarie and Andra. Without saying a word, they gave me hugs. Then said, "We were thinking of you. Are you alright?"

"You need sth to drink?"

I shook my head. They sat side by side with me and together we started starting about how it felt like then. We've even made up the story that we were madly in love with Brother Timothy that we cried so hard for his life committment to the community.

"But see- you know who were here two years ago..." said Andra.

I nodded.

True. This is sth I've never realized. This is perhaps the common thing that connects us but I've never fully recognized it until that particular point. And so thats how I started to talk to her more- in the common room, in the laundry, along the sideway of barracks ... anywhere! Our conversations reached topoics that we've never touched on. Surprise to me. She's way more sophisticated than i thought she was and i came to see why this openness of her character has earned her so much friendship. Yes, I grew to appreciate her more than ever.

I'm sad for this loss- in a way I've lost a girl who I've just begun to know and like. The news was just so sudden ... I'm spilling what's in my head into words because I'm convinced that what I'm experiencing is more powerful than I can handle, more profound than I can understand, and more sudden than i can ever prepare.